Having one of those days

Maybe it is because the first part of my vacation is over or because I have been penting up my emotions, but I'm having a rough afternoon and feel like I'm going to start crying at any moment. I'm pretty sure that is not what the couple in 7b and c had in mind for their trip to LA. But there is a kid crying behind me, so maybe I'll just blend in.

Anyway, Florida was great. I really enjoyed spending time with Tom and exploring south Florida. He kept me pretty busy, but also let me sleep in, which is pretty important to me these days. Physically I feel better. I really think that being exposed to all of the sun is good for me.

While I was in Florida my wedding anniversary passed. I cried a little, but mostly tried to stay distracted. It's hard though, if I sit still for too long, my mind starts to race and it is filled with lots of sadness, anxiety, and fear. I have a lot on my mind and just a lot of issues up in the air.

I've tried to be okay with the idea of taking care of myself as my "job," but on many days that is not working. I am tired of my life being on hold, but also terrified of having to make big decisions. Sometimes I think that I could have done all of this if Gess was by my side, but he isn't. And I'm not sure that I can do this, or even if I want to. Of course I'll do what I always do: put on my big girl panties and go through the motions. I'll do what is expected of me and what I should do. And I'll try to do it without completely losing it. But for right now, on this bumpy airplane ride I am going to feel sad and wallow.